Years before Pennsylvania officials formerly charged him with allegedly being a creepy pervert, former Penn State University assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky wrote a biography! I noted this on Facebook the other day and pointed out that the biography’s title – Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story – was a bit awkward, given that he had just been formally charged with molesting and raping numerous children, at least some of them in the Penn State locker room showers.
I received a lot of feedback suggesting this was a Book Monkeys review screaming to happen. At least a review by the senior Book Monkeys representative (since the other one is 10). OK, the feedback was from one of my brothers and a friend from law school, but probably a lot of other people were thinking this would be a great idea. Am I right? Hello?
Anyway, I had no interest in buying the book so I checked with my local library. No luck. The closest I could find was a country music CD by a local performer named Gary Sandusky. Completely different guy. So I turned to Amazon.com, which only had a leather-bound copy priced at $59.99, but even that was “temporarily out of stock.” Stymied again. Amazon.com’s “about the author” blurb, however, without a hint of intentional irony, noted that Sandusky is the founder of The Second Mile, “a charitable foundations that has touched the lives of more than 100,000 children.” Yes. It actually said that. Sigh.
Also, my Amazon.com visit revealed that I was hardly the first to consider a post-scandal review of Touched. In fact, Touched had been reviewed by 40 customers, and 39 of them had been submitted after the scandal broke less than a week ago, even through the book was published in 2001. Our only pre-scandal “baseline” review occurred back in 2005. At that time, “Stephen D. Bogner” (which may or may not be a pseudonym for “Jerry Sandusky”) absolutely loved Touched, awarding it five out of five stars:
When you finish this book you wish it was longer. Like a good movie you do not want it to end. It describes a man who has done some great things to help others. How many college football coaches would turn down 3 head coaching opportunities at big-time schools to stay in “Happy Valley”. A couple who could not have their own children. Then adopted 6. Not all in infancy. A man who took in foster children and at the same time ran the defense for one of college football's elite teams for 23 years. A kid who never grew up. Yet a person who is so selfless it defies human ego. Everyone reading this should do themselves a moral favor and contribute money to the Second Mile. (...).
Jerry Sandusky sure loves kids! In hindsight, Stephen might reconsider some of his phrasing, but I was too polite to track him down and bother him about it. So that was our pre-scandal review. Another reviewer, “bookfan” appears to have actually read the book before the scandal moved him/her to share:
I actually read much of this book when it came out. At the time, I was disturbed by the egotistical and immature stories relayed in it. It would probably be great material to disect to learn more about how the mind of a pedophile works.
OK, we’re off to a good start. Interesting observation by our friend “bookfan.” Let’s see what we can glean from some of the other reviews surfacing in the days since the allegations against Sandusky became public. You’re up, “M.Munson”:
Mr. Sandusky is both a genius and a narcissist, which makes him the perfect predator. At no time was his narcissim more apparent than when he titled his book “Touched”. I guarantee this coward will “off” himself, before he ever spends a day with the general prison population. I, for one, would like to see him spend the rest of his life locked up with the general prison population; then, perhaps he can write the sequel entitled “Touched II: Predator Becomes Prey”.
Harsh. But admit it, Touched II is funny, right? Well, yes, predictable, but still. . . OK, moving along. Maybe “dakota loomis” of Lawrence, Kansas, can illuminate us:
100% false advertising by Mr. Sandusky. Not a single page in this book “touches” on how to appropriately gain the trust of young, at-risk boys, and then use that trust to perpetrate horrifying sexual assaults on the very children who turned to you for guidance and support. Almost as disappointing as the first time I watched “Touched by an Angel.”Don't even get me started on that bullcrap. I still can't watch anything with Della Reese in it.
Anyone else pissed at Della Reese? Well, don’t get “dakota loomis” started on that bullcrap. But, d-loom, enjoyed the snark (you were being ironic, right?). All right, let’s give “79 Kaboom” a chance:
Based on the recent allegations against Jerry Sandusky, it appears that this book is in fact, a carefully crafted lie designed to present Coach Sandusky in a positive light. It should be sold as fiction because recent events have cast a shadow of doubt on everything presented in this book. And I agree with the other reviewer, the title of this book is offensive in light of the charges filed. Everyone who continues to buy this book is helping to pay for Sandusky's criminal defense. If Sandusky is convicted, Amazon should stop this book immediately.
Ha! LOL! . . .”79 Kaboom” wants to label Touched as fiction while simultaneously banning its sale. Ha ha, I get it! What? This was one of the earnest, outraged reviews? My bad. In my defense, it sounded like satire. And to be honest, I don’t think “79 Kaboom” read the book. Do we have any legitimate “reviews” out there? Let’s hear from “lulumojo”:
Revolting, disgusting, evil, child abuse. Please remove this book, Amazon. How can you, in good conscience, have this book, with the unbelievably ironic title, still for sale?
OK, “lulumojo” is right that Sandusky is accused of it dark, dark stuff. But what about the book? Did you hate it? Did anybody read it? You’re our final contestant, “MMT”:
Disgraced OSU coaches Woody Hayes and Jim Tressel are grateful. Grateful the college football legend residing a few hours east of them will be more disgraced than either of them. Joe Pa turning a blind eye to child molestation easily trumps widespread illegal payouts or punching an opponent in the neck.
You knew the Michigan fans would be all over this. Or is it really a Penn State fan attempting to shift some scandal to Ohio State? Or an Ohio State fan attempted to make sure Penn State head coach Joe Paterno is connected to this horror show? Big Ten politics are so confusing. And look! We’re off topic again. Seriously, has anyone other than “Stephen D. Bogner” and “bookfan” actually read this thing?
Well, I set out to review a book. And like my fellow reviewers “79 Kaboom,” “dakota loomis,” “lulumojo” and others, I will do this one without the burden of actually reading the book. So here, without actually reading the book, is the review I might have written had I not read it and reviewed in 2001, if you know what I mean:
Save yourself the trouble: Nobody wants to read Touched – The Jerry Sandusky Story – the biography of a middle-aged college football assistant coach. There are literally thousands of current and former assistant college football coaches in America. Why do we need to read their life stories? If any of them were really that damn interesting, they would be the head coach and they would have won a national championship or two. Also, there’s something here I can’t quite put my finger on (get it? “finger on” and the book I’m reviewing is Touched?) and that is not quite right with Jerry Sandusky. Despite all the time he spends with vulnerable, at-risk boys, it sounds like he’s got some ulterior motive. I just don’t get a positive vibe from Coach, as he likes the kids to call him, although from his account he does a lot of good for the boys, who really don’t have anyone else in their lives to confide in or trust. The writing, by the way, is an unmitigated hackfest. Could you possibly squeeze more clichés into a single book? I submit not. I would definitely not recommend paying the $59.99 for the leather-bound edition. Maybe pick up a copy of the paperback if you can find it at a used book store. It might come in handy if down the road the author becomes infamous after committee some atrocity or another.
Looking back at my review, I’m struck by how prescient I was. Further, I think my review of this book I haven’t read is far better than the other reviews of this book by people who have not read it. Bottom line: You should all not read it and judge for yourself.
(RCM)
